Dreams, Nightmares & Hallucinations

I am not a trained doctor, or specialist in the field, for me then things are quite straight forward and simple.  Dreams are something everyone haves.  We have several dreams each night but the one we usually remember is the last one, as we come out of deep sleep ready to wake up.  Nightmares are just bad dreams that the brain responds to by waking us up to alleviate the stress it's going through.  Hallucinations is an altered state of reality that occurs, like a dream, but continues despite waking up.  During my first week(ish) under the influence of Encephalitis I had several although I can only remember the latter two of my own accord now.  My daughter reminded me of another and my family talk of one of which I have no recollection at all.  I will relate three here but it is probably the final one, the hallucination, that may be of most interest to the branch of psychology and students when I consider how common the subject matter is to many people I have read.  While the body and brain are heavily under the influence of drugs, such as Acyclovir, and in my case fighting an infection, Encephalitis, that distorts the brains control message at the same time.

The dream was relatively quite simple in that I did not have to do much in terms of thinking.  I didn't feel as if I was asleep.  I was just lying in a hospital bed, drifting, when I became aware of the hole in the mattress beneath me.  It reached from just below my shoulders to approximately half way down my buttocks, but I couldn't feel the sides.  I knew I was going to fall through this hole and crash onto the floor unless I remained still.  I did not have to persistently stretch my body in aching rigidness so long as I did not relax.  The prospect of hitting the floor and ensuing pain, and difficult position I would end up in kept my attention on remaining in position until I woke up.  It took a while for me to realise that even if there was a hole in the mattress to fall though that the frame of a hospital bed was a mass of bars for raising different sections and  I would not have been able to fall. Strange then that it felt all too real as if I was conscious.

The night mare was something quite different.  There was no panic to start with as I more or less understood what was happening.  It was not until the last part that my brain cried enough and woke me.  It started with a scene not unlike the geology of S.E.Asia.  I was on a steep sided ridge, one of many, disappearing into the horizon, all parallel to each other.  The sky was a deep, but not dark, red.  The ridges themselves were the colour of matt purple which, strangely enough, mating pleasantly with the sky.  The ridge line was fairly wide as I was walking along yet pairs and groups of others had room to pass me with space to spare.  These others were grey silhouettes, not flat as I recall seeing some detail of the folds in their clothing.  They were talking and joking amongst themselves as they made their way along to the end.  As we walked along the ridge towards the end slope I was aware of somebody on my right, I couldn't see them nor hear them speak, but understood what they were telling me.  

He, for everyone in this was male, told me that what was happening was fine.  Everyone was going willingly and looking forward to it, as was demonstrated in their movement, chatter and laughter.  I, for some reason, was reluctant to follow their lead, this was not something I wanted, not that I knew either way.  As my reluctance increased and my pace slowed more so my unseen companion tried more encouragement, he didn't shout or use profanity yet was quite an insistent fellow.  As I looked towards the people descending the end of the slope I could see some getting further down than others before their transformation occurred.  As they descended they would transform into blue striped Budgerigars and instantly fly up as black silhouettes, wings beating almost in a blur, many tens of them, as more went down the slope.  As I stood still, before I reached the end, my companion was no longer there.  As I stared out my attention was caught by one bird that, within seconds, flew in front of my face and stared directly into my eyes.  It was that close that I could not take in it's entire head in my vision yet remained in perfect focus.  As I stared back into it's right eye, for each is mounted on the side, I could see it questioning my reluctance while at the same time I could see the human within.  Eye contact was not a fleeting glance but held for some time, as it beat it's wings to maintain position  This was not a human shape but human intelligence.  it was at this time my brain said stop and I woke.

It would be all to easy to say this was the night of my big battle, I don't know, but then I cannot say it wasn't.  I am not sure what to make of this, if dreams are to read, just the mind going through distortions from drugs and infection.  All I can relate is that if this is to be, then there is no great shining tunnel of light for me, perhaps reincarnation then but as a Budgerigar, not exactly big wing then. *groan*  Oh how they all laughed and found it amusing that people changed into Budgerigars as I related this soon afterwards.

The hallucination was not the same kind of horror until I thought of the consequences had it lasted much longer.  Yes, I was in hospital, but this was more of a medical establishment.  The ward was layout had altered slightly.  The main corridor was directly opposite my room door and so was the exit corridor to the left, but now the ward was a rectangle, of four corridors with single rooms of each outer side.  The centre was a large walled area of facilities with the nurses station halfway down the main corridor.  The nurses station was recessed into the centre section for while I could see the edge of the desk you could never see anything else.  The walls were no longer emulsion painted plaster beloved of hospitals but large sections of some easy to clean/sterilise plastic.

This medical facility was a testing unit.  I hadn't seen the other patients, only doctors and nurses, but we were all guinea pigs.  we were there to be used to trial biological warfare antidotes.  each week we would be infected and then given an antidote.  As things progressed, or not, we would be moved from room to room around the ward until we got back to where we started ready for the next weeks trial, if we survived, if the antidotes proved successful.  As my wife gave me some biscuits I turned to the left to put them on the bed table next to my cup. I stopped.  I had done exactly the same thing last week, and the week before and before that.  This fact struck me like walking into plate glass door, the fact that I hadn't been there a week did not.  Remaining as calm as possible I deliberately placed the biscuits to the furthest side of my cup, requiring me to stretch a little beyond comfort, this I would definitely remember next week confirming my suspicions.

So strong was this alternate reality I would have to make my plans for escape.  I knew I would be hampered by the drip; it would have to go, be left behind.  I was aware that people have ripped drips and things from their arms, but I was going to have to be subtle, Dripping blood from flaps of skin and feeling pain was going to fog my brain.  I could extract the tubes from the cannulas and remove the needles later.  It would have to be done in the quiet hours to minimise the risk of discovery, there would only be one nurse at the station, and I would have to walk at as normal as I could, running would only bring attention.  When I got to my door I needed to turn left and pray no one was coming along that corridor, stairs would probable be better than risking the lift.  my house is just across the road from this place but that would be the first place they came looking.  Could I hide in the bedroom, the loft without being discovered or should I go elsewhere but where,  people may realise who or what I am, report me and my recapture would be imminent. Should I seek the inclusion of my wife, No, for she may inform the staff believing it to be in my best interest and they would stop me before I get going, or she may accidently give them clues as to what I knew and was planning.  This I would have to do on my own.  I continued to review and refine things over the next 24 hours until all thoughts of this left my mind and I re-entered reality.

I have read of many incidence where patients have torn drips and things from their bodies before, and then managed to run through windows, off balcony's or hospital roofs,  indeed, I had a good work colleague and friend who managed to do this some years before, and no doubt there will be cases to come.  The real issue with this is that it is not really an alternative reality for the patient, it IS reality, this is what is happening in real time and you have to do something to escape the situation. Whether this recount helps psychologists or students I don't know but that's there for you to consider.

I still have thoughts of the nightmare and hallucination cross my mind fairly often, not every week but they must have been imprinted on my mind in a substantial way.  I do not think I will ever leave them behind, they may fade in time but every so often something seemingly unconnected triggers one or the other again but at least I recognise them for what they are, even if I don't understand them.

A clear, cool, colourless liquid.

As I walked across the road to the hospital entrance it was now 7 days since the first symptoms had shown themselves and who knows how long since the infection first took hold.  Unusually for me I had not just done as the GP said but had insisted on greater help.  I wasn't shuffling but my pace had slowed from it's normal speed.  There was the normal groups of people in and around the doors and foyer but I didn't take in their details, I was just trying to carve a course around and through the slow but ever moving obstacles that they presented.  I followed the basic instruction the GP had given me to find the Acute Assessment Unit, which was basic and fairly straight forward, until I found the door.  This was not an Intensive Care unit but another area with side wards, away from A+E, in which certain medical conditions would have restricted access.

Pushing through the swing doors I saw a large desk on the right, it looked big, like an old police station counter.  I retrieved the letter from my pocket and approached the lady standing behind the desk.  I identified myself and she confirmed that they were expecting me and indicating that I need to go further along the ward to another desk.  I looked down the corridor and my mind registered another desk that seemed a long way off, nodding in understanding I gently pushed away from the desk like an oarsman launching from a mooring and made my way forward.  At the second desk they acknowledged me, took my letter and told me to sit on the end bed, indicating the eight bed side ward behind me.  The ward was empty of patients but I taking this at it's basic meaning I made my way to the far bed in the room and just sat on the edge facing the window, not really taking anything in.

A young doctor appeared and started to question me and I related the tail of the first symptoms and the headache.  He said something and I waited as he disappeared back up the ward to re appear a few minutes later with a senior.  Again we went through the questions and symptoms, and again they both left but this time I overheard a part sentence.  No one had made any mention of Swine Flu until I had told them, not in the phone calls or the letter.  They returned after a few minutes wearing protective facial masks.  And at that point I recognised the junior doctor, it was 'Lewis Hamilton in a face mask'.  Whether I was stunned by this revelation or, more likely my brain succumbing to the infection, I wasn't really taking in the detail of what was being said but just the general message.  They were going to have to perform some tests, requiring Lumber punctures.

Lumbar spinal kit

I was laying on the bed, the top half of my torso naked, with no recollection of undressing or laying down on my side.  'Lewis' began wiping my back with an extremely cold wet liquid.  I recall asking if it was the orange stuff one see's on medical programs, he corrected the colour and told me it's name.  A few minutes later the senior came round the bed to face me, and got me to adopt a semi foetal position as aesthetic was injected.  Something was happening behind me as the senior told 'lewis' not to worry as the Lignocaine takes a little time to work.  I felt the senior place his hand at the base of my skull and neck with a gentle but firm pressure, his other hand reached into the crook of my knees.  And then it started. I felt something touch my back which, in my mind, rapidly turned into a ¼ inch square steel pastry cutter being forced through the skin and spine.  It hurt, it hurt like hell, but the over-riding thought going through my mind was "don't move, don't move!".  There was a brief discussion between the two doctors and then knowing they had to do it again.  I felt the hands behind my head and knees again and then the pastry cutter was inserted in a new position.  Again and again and again, each time needing a fresh location in the spine, until they seemed satisfied.  Yet without me knowing, they had failed to achieve their aim, they had not got the fluid, or sufficient quantities, that they needed.

I was shown into a side room, an individual room, to avoid cross contaminating other patients on the wards. I was to placed in the hands of the Critical Care Unit.  I have no idea how I got there but people were fussing around getting things into place.  My awareness was now following a pattern, at that time I was not aware of this but with hindsight it disturbing how fast things were beginning to deteriorate, I was sinking ever deeper into the abyss, yet entering a domain of compliant acceptance for the needs of staff to treat me.  Sometimes my brain would have 5 minutes of clarity, but that could have been a delusion.  There were a few questions from a nurse, and I was given a hospital gown to dress in, and climbed into the bed.   A doctor, whom I would get to know later, introduced himself and started another round of questions. I only recall the one from a whole series of questions.  He asked when my bowels had last moved, I tried to think, then recalled being constipated but when was that.  I wanted to tell him all but found myself shaking my head and saying softly "no".

My wife got permission to leave work shortly after the news reached her, in fact over the next few days all the family visited although I am only aware of a few visits, and then not all that was discussed.  Arrangements were made to buy some PJ's and other sundry goods after work and get them to me that evening.  The next thing I was aware of was a slight bump as the trolley bed passed through a door.

Spinal tap fluid.

In my mind it was Tuesday, but this. according to everyone, happened the same Monday afternoon.  I had an awareness of a very sterile room, one that was longer than it's width by far, like a galley kitchen would be.  Although I was on my side I was aware of three people in the room.  A senior anaesthetist and what sounded like a young male and female.  An alarm bell, shrill yet flat sounding, rang for a short time.  This must have brought my mind back closer to events.  I could hear the senior tell them to wait, to make sure it wasn't a real alarm, while I just waited in the calm.  I heard the young girl asked what would happen if it were real alarm, the senior told them the patients would be put to sleep before evacuating the building.  I recognised the policy, it was the same for an aeromed flight, when a crash was imminent. There would be no time to help the stretcher cases so they would be put out of their misery first.  I wanted to say "I know, it was OK, I understood, but you just get out and I would make my own way out", but I couldn't so I just lay quietly.  When they were certain things were normal they continued.  There were more lumbar punctures to be done.  I felt very little pain as I started to drift again while I felt, yet again, hands behind my head and knees.  They were guided through their work, I could hear talk of the liquid in the syringe, and after two attempts they seemed satisfied.

Back in my room I was being informed by senior nurse in a dark blue uniform, whom later I was to know as 'nurse Sue' that they would need to insert a catheter.  I have had this done before so told them to go ahead surprisingly I felt little discomfort, unaware my kidneys were failing to function properly.  I was also put onto an IV drip containing Acyclovir.  Whether someone had figured out what was happening to me or whether it was just precautionary I will never know, it was to become the one chance to save my life, but I was to come to hate the sound of the word 'Cannula' by the second week.  Numerous times people came in disturbing my peace to check my vital signs,  but by now I was beyond caring, and anyone entering the room had to wear a face mask.  By the evening I was in my new PJ's, and trying to rest when I felt nauseas.  I grabbed the disposable bowl and duly vomited.  I pulled the cord and asked the nurse for a replacement.  By the third bowl I was offered an injection to help but all I could think of was a glass of cool water.  My mistake, this went on and on till I was into double figure bowls, there seemed to be no stopping this, I finally accepted the offer of an injection and sunk back into the bed exhausted.  A while later I was woken to have a tube pushed up the nasal passage and down into the stomach.  I held the gag reflex until told and they managed this little game first time, and as I lay back I started on series of nightmares and hallucinations that were to shake my world. 

As I opened my eyes I became aware of a scroll in some masonry, it was a soft red stone and finally knew what I was looking at, it was part of the old façade of the hospital.  After some time the doctors broke my peace and asked another series of questions which I did my best to answer, seemingly satisfied they left.  I drifted off again.  Several times the staff had phoned the pathology department to confirm the diagnosis because my lungs were completely clear, and always the answer came back an affirmative for swine flu, the anti-bodies were present in the spinal fluid.  It had targeted my brain almost as if by intelligence. 

I could hear a sound, or rather numerous sounds with a slight echo, it was voices.  The slight rocking of my body suggested I was on another trolley moving through a public area.  I couldn't distinguish individual words, it was like a cage full of muted chickens.  I wondered what they were talking about,  Were they talking about me, were they judging me, what were they thinking as I was being swept past them, and despite the sheet and bed throw beloved of hospitals I felt a naked vulnerability seep through me.  I was parked next to a window in what sounded like a cathedral of a room.  Footsteps moved away till I could hear quiet voices talking.  The window appeared large, and arched at the top befitting a huge room. Other sounds now came, vehicles and footsteps outside the window, I could hear them talking and thought they need only turn their heads to see me and that cold feeling of naked vulnerability seeped through me again.  In the room was a machine. My mind viewed it as a monolithic piece of engineering that would have taken pride of place in any heavy industrial workshop.  I was to have an scan of some sort.  Moving me into position I was told to lie as still as possible as a steel mask, with two slits for eyes, gave a dull metallic clang as it shut over my face.  Then the noises started, banging and thumping in strange rhythmic pulses, until I was no longer aware.

Each day my wife would visit two or three times, and each day although we talked I was to have no recollection of them.  My wife would be briefed before or after as to my progress or not.  Until one night the care staff informed her that if I was to continue on the downward path I would not be taken to the intensive care unit,as they could do no more than the critical care staff were already doing where I was, she was to go home and get some rest but be ready to be called back in that night.  Totally unknown to me I was about to enter battle.  

On one side was a virus, under the flag of H1N1 breeding it's battle troops at an exponential rate, already inside the compound damaging and destroying my communication systems, wreaking havoc with the command centre that was my brain.  On the other side was I, backed up by a small plastic bag containing a clear, cool, colourless liquid called Acyclovir.  This was to be a decisive battle, there could only be one outcome, one winner.  This was, for both sides, a battle for life or death.